I'm so fucking centered right now
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
