I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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