The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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