ya dads aren't the best wingmen
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
