This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
