If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
