I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
