I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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