if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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