last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
