was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
