Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
