Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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