I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
