Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
