there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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