He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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