I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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