Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
