i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
