my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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