I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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