Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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