If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
