im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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