My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
