You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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