If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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