Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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