i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just invented taco cereal.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
