I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
