Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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