Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
