can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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