nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
