the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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