Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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