you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
