Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the condom got lost in my hair
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
