My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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