The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
