I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
