Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
