The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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