I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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