can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
