my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
