i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
