just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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