Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
