Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
