Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You ate ashes out of my bong
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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